It was an ice cold day with temperatures below zero in many parts of New York. Yet, hearts were burning full of love and stomachs jam-packed with chocolate. The bustling city sang the words of love in numerous languages. Rose pedals all over the floors and beds for couples who like to do the dirty deed in the dark. Some wine tasting and a nice dinner for the older people of the City spending their day reliving former Valentine days with their Amor. Three years ago this is how life was exactly for Frank. It was perfect and full of Amor. It was the day he met his Amor in the 3rd isle of the supermarket. The fishy aroma filled the air as both Frank and Frankie were looking for good poultry. When he and hers poultry touched for the first time the connection was made. Life had not always been his amazing for Frank. Back in the day as a student Frank was a geek who did not have the best adolescence life ever; in fact it was filled with books and bullies. Frank had hair parted to the right, thick glasses and overalls very high which made him look like he was always in pain when he walked. His scrawny structure made him an easy target for his tormentors, which was basically the football team. Even worse his brother Freddy was a superstar on the lacrosse and football teams always traveling with the teams. In addition to his sports Freddy got all the “hot babes” as he called them. Freddy and Frank never got along.
The prom was the day everything changed for Frank and Freddy’s relationship. Although Frank was jealous and upset with Freddy for being so good, Frank loved Freddy because he was his brother. But prom made him hate Freddy. Freddy, already had four prom dates prepared all in the house waiting for him. Frank, had a friend he had met in math class who he was very close too. Now you see she was very nice to Frank and her name was Victoria. When Frank asked her to the prom she could not say yes fast enough. But she had ulterior motives. Victoria loved Freddy and when she came to Frank’s home for prom, Freddy immediately made his move. Frank found them in the closet together and Freddy’s smooth jet black hair was ruffled, his perfectly ironed tie was undone and his neck had multiple lipstick marks. Victoria’s hair which was in a bun was now down at her side and was all over the place, her scarlet lipstick was now only found on Freddy’s neck. She then shut the door, and Frank ran up to his room and cried.
But three years after everything changed and Frank finally felt sure about himself. It was Valentines Day and Frank had met Frankie in the Poultry isle. They went out to dinner after eating and retired back to Frank’s place where she laid comfortably on his chest and soon fell to sleep from listing to the regulated sound of Frank’s heartbeat. Frank never had felt so merry in his life and knew from that moment on he was in love with Frankie.
But this Valentines Day was different. Especially for Frank. Today was Frank’s worst day yet. In fact it was so bad he decided to throw out all of the chocolate he had bought for Frankie, his one love. Frankie, who he was planning to propose to that day, left him the day before for another man. It was Frank’s best friend, and his brother, Freddy. Frank had never been so betrayed. He never thought in his lifetime that he would be cheated on again by another woman. He was everlastingly destroyed. He decided to go home that evening and go to his mama who always told him he was special. She attentively listened to him but without much interest, because herself and her husband had their own Valentines Day plan and were being severely interrupted. Frank’s father entered the room halfway though his displeasing story and called him a little twit and a cry baby and he should pick himself and get back out there. His father was a rough man and did not like crying. This is why he liked Freddy better, Freddy always lifted and got all the girls and was a better athlete. Frank got good grades and got hung to flagpoles by his tidy wideys and taped to the Football team’s field goal posts. Frank’s mother then decided that if Frank pleased he could spend the night there because it was below zero and the visibility was not very good. Frank’s father though was very upset with this offer because he had a very romantic evening planned with his wife, there were rose pedals leading up the stairs.
When Frank went to bed his mother and father went to bed, to play, from what Frank was told candy land. It had been a while since he had been in the house and he started to hear cheers from their bedroom so he ventured up the stairs and tripped over a pot filled with soil which made a loud crash on the floor. His father then came out of his room with a bat with full intention of ridding his house of this intruder. Since it was dark he took a swing and landed the hit right into the abdomen of his son. His son flew back and his father took another shot hitting him in the knee and he rolled down the stairs, as he rolled he went through the staircase railing and landed with a thump onto the coffee table breaking it. Frank, in much pain and multiple contusions from his fathers bat, moaned and attempted to get up but then was hit with a flying object, and another one, and another one. Frank then stumbled, both knees in pain and his legs scarred and profusely bleeding from the broken coffee tables glass fell out the door. In fear of being more severely injured Frank’s adrenaline gave him enough energy to sprint like a jack rabbit out into the street. The father, believing the intruder was gone went back to his room to play candy land. His son ran out into the street to fast, did not look both ways and then was smacked by a garbage truck.
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I think it can be full if Frank survives OR the focus switches to the Mom, Dad, and Brother and how they deal with his death. If Frank survives maybe he gets amnesia and becomes a garbage man who pursues his Mom, poorly. Or you can have his brother going emo, his mother becoming detached and his father going insane at the loss and that he caused all of this. Maybe show what the girlfriend thinks if he dies.
ReplyDeletemad goodd bro- some of your transitions might lose the reader because one idea easily jumps into another, but the details really descriptive and you nailed the suspense, easily catching my attention(=
ReplyDeleteI think the ending is strong, but maybe you don't have to end it so suddenly, and make it like a warstory with no real begining, or end; almost as if there would be a continuation or sequel to the story.
ReplyDeleteTom,
ReplyDeleteYou have some great moments in this piece. One thing you may want to work on is the way the piece jumps around. Also, I'd like to see you establish the difference between Frank and Freddy even more. Finally, I think you could try using some more physical descriptions of the space they occupy. You do have many good descriptions here already, so just add to them. Overall, great first draft.